K.D.

I was born in a small village northwest of the capital of India. When I was born my parents had ambitions for me to travel to Alaska and become an ambassador for the United States. They changed their minds when they caught me in my bedroom one day, fusing and wiring together broken toy race car parts to make fireworks.

I soon established myself as a troublemaker in elementary school. One day I modified the lock on the doorknob to our classroom to include a fingerprint reader to allow access. I set it so that only my classmates and I could open the door, but my teacher could not. We were given the day off, much to the appreciation of my classmates. I used the day off to build small inexpensive computing systems for a third-world nation.

At the age of 9 I became the most famous musician in the entire country. I had recorded fifteen best-selling albums by the age of 11, and these albums stayed at the top of the international charts for six consecutive months. My repertoire included choral pieces, the saxophone, the tabla, the cello, the sitar, and the piano. Between these forms I created compositions that were so beautiful they reduced my audiences to tears of joy, and caused riots in the major metropolitan areas of the United States. Later that same year I invented laser eye surgery and collected enough solar energy to end India's rampant energy shortages.

In middle school I discovered that my natural talent for sharpshooting was making me famous all across India and to parts of Bangladesh. I didn't even know I was famous until the King of India himself invited me to a luncheon where my family and I ate cucumber sandwiches with gold flakes. I soon became even more famous because I could shoot a target the size of a mouse from ten miles away, while improving semiconductor efficiency at the same time. For my efforts I won eleven gold medals and a Pulitzer Prize, as well as my name in the Guinness Book of World Records. I frequently flew to London and the United States to give university lectures on circuits and physics.

I achieved perfect scores on all my college entrance exams, and in the summer before I entered college I invented a programming language called Python, which is now an industry standard. I invented binary code as a freshman in college, and had to frequently run away from the hundreds of women who wanted to sleep with me. One time I was working in a computer lab in the early morning when I spotted a gang of thugs stealing valuable equipment. They saw me and advanced on me with AK-47s and brass knuckles. I managed to survive by roundhouse-kicking two of them in the face while simultaneously heaving one of the thugs out a glass window. In their getaway car outside there was a beautiful blond woman, so I set her free and she kissed me very enthusiastically (I still have the scars).

After graduating with top honors and a perfect 4.0 GPA, I decided to continue my graduate studies at San Francisco State University.